Fake Fridays: The Google Diaries: Fake Larry Does Seattle Human Trafficking Protests Against Google

Secret Diary of Fake Eric Schmidt, April 6, 2012


Secret Diary of Fake Larry Page, April 6, 2012

Since Eric and Fred told me I can’t archive my Gmail anymore, I guess I have to write this diary.  I can’t believe these people are using a petition on Change.org against Google!  We gave these people so much money!  I mean, this is Larry’s thing, right?   How dare they use Change for petitions against us!  Maybe Chilling Effects can get involved?  What do we have it for? Note to self, ask Fred about Chilling Effect and Change.org.

Why do we get accused of all these bad things that nobody has ever told us to stop doing?  And how do we know these so-called “pimps” are doing anything illegal or even bad!  These are our users, we don’t sue our users just cuz some whacko actress says one of them is a so-called “pimp”!  That’s censorship! I mean how do I know that Googlers do anything bad if nobody tells me!!  Just because we sold one ad for one pharmacy one time, what does that even mean!  Eric said we were sorry!  We’re always sorry, why isn’t that enough?  We’re not censors!  We’re not responsible for anything, we just give users convenient ways to find things.

The flacks started talking to me today about trafficking, I mean that’s our business, right?  If we can’t do trafficking, then there’s no Google.  The record label music companies think we should be going after these so-called pimps who pay for these ad.  No, wait, not the music company label records, its someother censorship facists who want us to stop selling advertising.  Traffic, Google, interchangeable, right?  But they were talking about human trafficking, what does that even mean?  We sell traffic, nobody knows what the machines talk about, that’s between them.  How do they get human traffic out of machine traffic?  It’s all so confusing sometimes.

I have to call Mike and get him to go after whoever is saying these bad things, put their names on the list.  He had that great quote from Teddy Roosevelt, “the man in the arena whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly”.  Boy, that’s me, that’s us.  They just don’t realize how much they need us to make everything scaleable and convenient.  Well, one day they won’t have Google to kick around anymore.

That’s what it is, these protesters just don’t understand how cool it is for things to be convenient!  When everything is convenient, then you don’t ever have to complain about anything.  Except…you know, when you forget the refill.

Convenient is cool.  Google is cool.  Google means convenience.  Google means no complaining.  We know what users are thinking before they do anyway so what are they complaining about?  And so what if our customers are these so-called pimps!  We’re not going to become sex cops for the government censors!  Don’t they appreciate all the cool products we give away for free?